I recently came across a video that perfectly captured a common relationship dilemma. A woman was frustrated because her boyfriend of three years hadn’t proposed yet. Her question was simple: “What is wrong with him?” But the response she received wasn’t what she expected—and it contained wisdom that applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones.
The advice given highlighted a crucial distinction many of us miss: the difference between standards and expectations. This distinction resonated with me because I’ve seen how confusing these two concepts leads to unnecessary heartache in relationships.
Understanding the Critical Difference
Standards are internal guidelines we set for ourselves, while expectations are external pressures we put on others. When we mix these up, we create a perfect recipe for disappointment.
Think about it this way:
- A standard might be: “I will only be in relationships with people who want marriage within a year”
- An expectation might be: “My partner should propose with a two-carat ring during our vacation in Greece”
The problem occurs when we have low standards but high expectations. We accept relationships that don’t meet our core needs, then try to compensate by controlling how others should behave toward us.
The High Standards, Low Expectations Formula
What struck me most about this advice was how it flipped conventional thinking. Having high standards doesn’t mean being demanding or difficult—it means being clear about what truly matters to you.
When your standards are high, your expectations can actually be lower. If what matters most is finding someone committed to marriage, the specifics of how they propose become less important. The woman in the video had it backward—she was tolerating a relationship that wasn’t meeting her standards while harboring specific expectations about how and when a proposal should happen.
“Most of our stress in life comes from trying to control others’ behavior.”
I’ve fallen into this trap myself. I once stayed in a job where I wasn’t valued, but expected my boss to recognize my efforts in specific ways. The disappointment was constant until I raised my standards about workplace culture and lowered my expectations about getting validation in particular ways.
Applying This Wisdom Beyond Romance
This principle extends to all relationships:
- Family relationships: Having standards about respect while not expecting specific behaviors
- Friendships: Maintaining standards for mutual support without expecting friends to read your mind
- Work relationships: Setting standards for professional treatment without expecting praise in certain ways
The key is communication. When we have clear standards, we must communicate them directly rather than assuming others know what we need. This approach prevents the buildup of resentment that comes from unmet expectations.
Recognizing When to Walk Away
Sometimes raising your standards means making difficult choices. For the woman in the video, the advice ultimately suggested she might need to end her relationship. This wasn’t about punishing her boyfriend but recognizing that their fundamental goals might not align.
Having high standards means being willing to walk away from situations that don’t serve your core needs. This isn’t selfish—it’s honest. It allows both people to find relationships that truly fit what they want.
The next time you find yourself thinking “they should know” or “they ought to do this,” pause and ask whether you’re setting an expectation rather than upholding a standard. Are you trying to control someone else’s behavior, or are you being clear about what you need?
Life becomes much simpler when we focus on what we can control—our standards—rather than what we can’t—other people’s actions. By maintaining high standards and communicating them clearly while keeping expectations flexible, we create space for authentic connections rather than choreographed disappointments.
And sometimes, yes, that means walking away from a three-year relationship when it’s clear your standards aren’t being met. It’s not about what’s wrong with them—it’s about being honest about what’s right for you.