I recently came across a fascinating discussion about relationship advice that made me rethink how we approach our partnerships. The concept was simple yet profound: the difference between standards and expectations, and how mixing them up can lead to chronic disappointment.
When we’re in relationships, we often find ourselves frustrated when our partners don’t behave the way we think they should. I’ve seen this pattern repeatedly with friends who complain about partners who won’t commit, propose, or show affection in specific ways. What if the problem isn’t with our partners, but with how we’re framing our needs?
Standards vs. Expectations: What’s the Difference?
According to relationship expert Erin, standards are internal guidelines we set for ourselves, while expectations are external pressures we put on others. This distinction is crucial and applies to all relationships – romantic partners, family members, friends, roommates, and coworkers.
Let me break this down with an example:
- A standard might be: “I will only be in a relationship with someone who is serious about getting married within the next year.”
- An expectation might be: “My boyfriend should buy a two-carat solitaire ring, propose during our vacation in Greece, and hire a secret photographer to capture the moment.”
The first statement focuses on what you need from a relationship, while the second dictates specific actions your partner must take. See the difference? One gives you control over your life choices, while the other tries to control someone else’s behavior.
The High Standards, Low Expectations Formula
What struck me most about this advice is how it flips conventional thinking. Many of us operate with low standards but high expectations – a recipe for constant disappointment.
If your standards are high (only dating someone marriage-minded), your expectations can be low (the how, when, and where of the proposal doesn’t matter). What’s important is that your core need – commitment – is being met.
Most of our stress in life comes from trying to control others’ behavior.
I’ve watched friends stay in relationships with partners who clearly don’t share their life goals, yet they maintain specific expectations about how these same partners should act. They’re setting themselves up for failure.
Applying This Wisdom Beyond Romance
This principle extends far beyond dating. Consider these common scenarios:
- Thinking “all my friends should throw me a birthday party”
- Believing “my boss should thank me for this project”
- Assuming “my roommate should know to clean the kitchen”
Each statement reflects an expectation – an attempt to control someone else’s actions rather than focusing on our own standards for what we need in these relationships.
Instead, we could raise our standards by clearly communicating our needs and choosing to surround ourselves with people who meet them, without dictating exactly how they should do so.
The Hard Truth
Sometimes applying this wisdom leads to difficult decisions. In the case Erin discussed, a woman had been with her boyfriend for three years, growing increasingly frustrated that he wouldn’t propose. The painful reality? Her standards weren’t aligned with her relationship.
If marriage is your standard, and you’ve clearly communicated this need, continuing in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share that goal means you’re compromising your standards. No amount of expectations will change that fundamental misalignment.
I’ve had to face this truth in my own relationships. It’s never easy to walk away, but I’ve learned that maintaining high standards while releasing rigid expectations leads to more authentic connections and ultimately, greater happiness.
The next time you find yourself frustrated in a relationship, ask yourself: Am I trying to uphold my standards, or am I clinging to expectations? The answer might just transform your approach to relationships – and save you years of unnecessary disappointment.